I wonder whether or not it is strange that the only time I seem to sit down to write anymore is during emotionally low times...
I'm sure that it (writing) serves as some form of comfort, and is of course an outlet for the mind. That being said, it's probably not uncommon at all, but it is still concerning to me that the moments that seem to bring me back here the most are the harder times.
This year has been an interesting one... a combination of adventure, growth, reflection, and sorrow. I guess that statement could honestly be made for any year, but this year, at least for me, has a more substantial pulse. There is a permanence about 2017 that refuses to go unnoticed and I'm both excited and afraid for it to be over. Excited because I want to move on, to escape most of the events that have taken place, and continue pushing forward; and afraid because there is a part of me that wants to stop this perpetual forward motion, a part that wants to go back.
Back to 5... 6... 7 years ago. To when things seemed less complicated, even though they really weren't. To when I felt more connected, to myself and my loved ones. When will the past be the past? When will it feel less engaging than right now? When will I stop missing those days? I can't seem to let go of a lot of things, and this longing for who I used to be, what I valued, and how I lived seems to grow more intense the further I move away from those times. I thought by now I would have finished looking behind me.
Maybe it's just that I've put aside too many things (and people) that were important to me. When did I get so bad at keeping in touch? Have I forgotten how to be? I know I have definitely neglected my outlets... and my creative side has been crammed into one tiny space. It is a space I love, but one that has left room for little else, and a small path of disregard in its wake. I miss my random projects, my affinity for crafting, my writing, my photography, my family, my friends...
I think this all means that I need some introspective time; time to go back, before going forward... to reconnect with the girl I used to be so she can help me figure out where to go from here.